Year in review: 2016

-Did you get your heart broken? Yes, by my ex girlfriend
-Did you change at all this year? A bit.
-Did you dye your hair? A few times, switching from black to blue to black to blonde to black.
-Did you get your hair cut? I did.
-Did you change your style? Maybe slightly.
-Did you get good grades? No, they were pretty low but so was my contribution.
-Did you drive? Nope.
-Did you move at all? I did crawl around my country.
-Did you go on any vacations? Yes, to London.

YOUR LOVE LIFE:
-Did you break up with anyone? Yeah, with RawenDemo 
-Did you meet anyone special? I certainly did, my boyfriend KULKELO <3 :3
-Did you fall in love? Yup.
-Did you get your heartbroken? Yass.
-Are you going into 2017 with a boyfriend/girlfriend? I am ^^

FRIENDS AND ENEMIES:
-Did you meet any new friends this year? My boyfriend and some random internet friends
-Did any of your friendships end? Yeah. With my ex best friend.
-Did you dislike anyone? Probably yeah
-Did you make any new enemies? Yes, my ex best friend and his friends (accused me of fake shit)
-Who was your closest friend? KULKELO 
-Did you grow apart from anyone? Yup.
-Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships? Nope. I had great times with my friends were they good or bad friends. But the times remain as memories rather than the future so why would I regret?
-Have you had your birthday yet? Not yet if we count this day as the January First 2017! But if we don't, yes.
-Pulled an all nighter? Yes, at least once per week.
-Drank Starbucks? No.
-Bought something(s)? So many things I can't list here. However the most recent thing being CORE membership as a gift to KULKELO for 3mo
-Met someone special who changed your life? YUP! KULKELO  

INTIMATE DETAILS:

-What are you thinking about? Partying. Haven't really done it for a while and my crave for partying is growing bit by bit.
-Would you get married if you could right now? Yes.
-How did you feel when you woke up today? Tired af, otherwise great --
-Are you good at hiding your feelings? Nope, not at all!
-Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend? Not even one but at least 3.
-Do you like to have long hair or short hair? Shawty.
-Would you be able to tell someone you love them, even if you didn't feel it? As a joke, yes, but with a meaning, no.
-Which of your friends do you argue with the most? KULKELO well I don't really have any others but as he is also my loved one, the amount of arguing is larger than with a friend.
-How many texts are in your inbox? Uncountable. But I would guess more than 50,000
-Who was your last text message from? From a person I do not know at all, an admin in a WhatsApp group.
-Who was the last person you rode in a car with? My boyfriend and his brother.
-Who took your profile picture? Me.
-Would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth? Smile over a lie.
-What’s on your bedroom floor right now? Plenty of stuff, not my apartment officially so I don't even care. But plenty of stuff.
-Do you trust people too easily? Yeah. You can tell me whatever bullshit you want ranging from your dead relatives to a Nigerian prince. I would buy that shit and donate you money. (no sarcasm, at least in the past I've gone for these scams but realized it when it was too late.)
-Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life? I am. But I am paranoid about if it lasts.
-Last thing you ate? A bagel that I got offered for free from a local Coffeehouse by the barista, calling out the pastries were about to go out of date so me and my boyfriend KULKELO got offered free stuff and I took a chicken bagel.
-How many people are you texting? Atm none but overall like 8 or 9.
-Will you be in bed within twenty minutes? I guess not. Still plenty of drinks left.
-What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had? Coffee!

09/10/16 - past 2 am
I hurt my boyfriend by cutting my arm even though he told me not to.
He cried, and took a shower.
I didn't want to hurt him, not in any way. I only wanted to hurt myself, I had this feeling that I must cut myself.
I did about 10-15 small cuts, not all of them even bleeding.
Not much blood came out.
It did sting a bit.
My mind and lungs hurt way more because I am sick and I just went for a smoke outside 2.30 AM while thinking what I just did.
I cant handle the situation, I don't know what is wrong with me.
2.50 AM, sitting in the hallway near by my boyfriend's door still thinking what just happened and how my boyfriend is feeling about everything.
Planning to rush inside 3 AM straight
My chest hurts, some kind of heart pain caused by all this stress and the fact I made my boyfriend suffer terribly by my actions.
I can't really process the events
Why do feelings and emotions exist?
...
......
.........
Bunch of drunks in the distance
Bunch of drunks everywhere but the hallway
Bunch of drunks online on WhatsApp
No friends to talk to
Horrible condition
No signs of intelligent forms of life nearby
I suffer
2.51 AM I am still sitting in the hallway
Any organic life forms except me are extent for now
No... Wait!
2.52 AM bunch of drunks outside
...
Laughing
Feeling the need for alcohol but I'm not going to give up now, I have managed to survive without this life-enhancing elixir for too long to get drunk now.
I also tried to quit smoking and my boyfriend was so lovely to help me quit but I just couldn't resist the cravings for this infernal piece of crap chemical called "Nicotine" so I had to buy a pack of Menthol Bonus cigarettes.
The guy I am dating is the most brilliant and dear person I know but I still can't figure out why am I doing these stupid things to make him cry, I don't intend it, no, not at all..
2.53 AM bunch of drunks in the hallway
I went back inside 2.54 AM
His dog was hyperactive for a moment...
We cried together, on his bed. I'm fucking scared that I ruined his whole week with my shenanigans I can't control. I constantly pull off this crazy shit that hurts my loved ones but I don't intend to do it. I have no reason, not even a hint for the cause of my behavior.. Might be mental problems.
I'm thinking if I should purchase the bus tickets from here to my home town, far away from my boyfriend right now.. Departure would be 5:40 AM.
Would his life be better for a moment without me? I constantly hurt him without any intentions to do so.
To be honest I have no fucking idea what to do..
Pain inside me